The Losers
by Oroburos69
Summary: Nobody knew why they failed, but the common assumption was they sucked.
1. Chapter 1

The characters in the following story are not mine. The following story is completely and unapologetically AU, sometimes for no good reason at all. I also refuse to butcher Japanese. All that can be translated will be. Only suffixes and essential cultural details will remain. That having been said, enjoy, review, laugh, whatever.

The Losers, Unabridged and Uncensored,

A Memoir by Three Orphans

_Foreword by Hinata_

_We never expected the level of response we got for our book. Originally, we wrote it because we were low on money and Naruto had the bright idea of writing a book to get some quick cash. Sasuke and I were not convinced at the time, but Naruto insisted that we each had to write a chapter. It had to be, in his words, a group effort. After the first chapter Sasuke decided that he liked writing. Me, I read what they were writing and decided that at least one of us had to keep it honest. _

_When this book was first published two years ago, certain details were changed or omitted to protect our privacy and the secrets of Konoha. Also, the notes at the beginning of the chapters were edited out by our publisher. Occasionally we wrote the same events multiple times from different perspectives, which were cut from the published edition for the sake of clarity. At some points there were (and are) locked entries that we didn't even let each other read. The locked entries are included here. Some of them have still only been read by their author. _

_At this point in time, we feel that this complete edition of our story will never be publicly available. Too many people could be hurt or angered by it. The only purpose this copy serves is to remind us of our past. _

_This book is the only original and unedited copy of our story. _

_Hinata_

Chapter One: Team Seven

_Hey. This is the first chapter of the best book in the world. Read it, buy extra copies and recommend it to your friends. It makes a great gift for every occasion. Yeah, it's that good. _

_Naruto_

Monday, June 5, Twelve years after Kyuubi

Uzumaki Naruto was late. It wasn't his fault, the rain was pouring down in sheets and he'd lost a sandal to the water rushing down the streets. It floated merrily down the road, bobbing up and down in the runoff. He gave chase and nearly caught the damn thing, but his fingers slipped on the straps when he tried to pull it up and it fell down a storm drain.

"Fuck," he whispered, glaring at the raging waterfall that had just separated his only pair of shoes. Naruto kicked up a splash of gutter water at the drain. It gurgled mockingly.

Naruto stuck his tongue out at the storm drain and stalked away, sliding every few steps in the muddy water, his remaining sandal hindering his balance more than it helped. He grumbled to himself, trudging onward toward the Academy.

A cold drizzle of water slid down his neck making him shiver. Rolling his head back to stop more rain from going down his shirt he took note of the Steam Clock, standing slightly tilted at the corner of Locke and Keynes. One of the many strange items Konoha ninja had been paid with over the years; it weighed over five tons and was always exactly one hour and forty-two minutes early. No one knew how to set it.

_Thirty minus forty-two…, no, wait, add…add an hour…_ "Ha! It's eleven seventy-two!" He grinned up at the clock for a moment before realizing what was wrong with his previous statement. "Shit! It's twelve twelve, I'm late!"

Naruto started running, with his bare foot sandal slapping the road in spastic rhythm. He was still three blocks from the Academy and he'd needed to be there twelve minutes ago. Within two minutes he was running through the propped open academy doors, water spraying wildly from his soaked jumpsuit. His remaining sandal clattered loudly on the cheap linoleum floors. He skidded as he took the corner and ran into the class, interrupting Iruka's lecture.

The class stirred from their apathetic daze and stared at him.

Naruto slipped on the floor and fell back, sandal strap snapping. His muddy shoe tumbled through the air before landing on the middle of his chest, creating a thick mud outline of its shape on his orange jacket.

"Hn. Idiot," Sasuke murmured. The rest of the class laughed.

Naruto's eyes squinted and he growled audibly. "Stupid _bastard._" He snarled. _Thinks he's so cool. _Naruto's hands balled into fists, tightening painfully in anger.

"…" Sasuke had used up his quota of words for the day, but he used a slightly raised eyebrow to show his brooding emo-musement.

_Naruto, what the hell is emo-musement supposed to be? And I don't brood. _

…Sasuke raised an eyebrow to show his amusement.

Naruto's scowl twisted into a grin, inspiring fear in the hearts of many. He snagged the remaining strap of his sandal and spun it above his head once, splattering Iruka with thick globs of mud, before launching it at Sasuke's face. Sasuke disengaged one hand from his patented brooder hand seal and held it out, perfectly positioned to catch the flying sandal. His lips twitched in an expression generally know as 'smug bastard' in preparation for showing Naruto up. When the sandal hit his hand, it stopped. Unfortunately for him, the mud did not.

Thick clumps of clay-like mud left trails of light brown dirt as they dripped down Sasuke's face. He rose; face expressionless except for his strange squinty eyes, prepared to launch the sandal back at its owner—

"NARUTO!!!"

---and sat down just as quickly.

Iruka yelled, his face flushed with anger, "It is the last day, the very last day that I will ever have to teach you. Could you even contemplate, for even a single second, behaving? No! Of course not!" He punctuated his sentences by shaking Naruto by the shoulders.

Naruto blocked out Iruka's shouting with the ease of long practice and went limp. He was secretly amused by the way his body flopped like a rag doll, his limbs swinging freely. It was sort of fun. And, for bonus points, it was making the class laugh.

"Go sit down, you little monster, and don't cause any more trouble!" Iruka finished his lecture and released Naruto abruptly, sending him sprawling across the floor. His wet feet squeaked loudly as he tried, to no avail, to keep his balance. With a wet thud Naruto fell flat on his ass.

He pouted outrageously, mugging for the class, "Awwwww, you know you'll miss me, Iruka-sensei!"

"Not on your life!" Iruka snapped back. "Now go sit down so I can finish reading the list of teams and _finally _pawn you off on someone else."

"Fine!" Naruto stuck his tongue out at Iruka and stomped up the stairs to the only free seat, between Aburame Shino and Hyuuga Hinata. He slumped back in the seat into a supremely cool pose that inspired awe in all who viewed it.

_…is this that pose you keep doing in front of the mirror when you think no ones watching? Because that one makes you look completely retarded._

…While Sasuke sat all alone like the freaky loner boy that he was and tried to discretely wipe off his mud pie facial.

"Now, where was I?" Iruka said, turning back to his notes.

Some overly-excited keener yelled back, "Team Four!"

"Ah. Thank you, Koze," Iruka said, blinking at actually getting a response from the crowd.

"Team Four will be Nara Asuka, Taira Hojo, and Ikko Ginta." Iruka continued.

Naruto quickly stopped paying attention. He covered his fingers in mud from his jacket and used it draw on the desk in front of him. Sasuke's hair was almost done when he heard his name called out. He looked up guiltily, sliding his hand over his stickman picture of Sasuke crumpled beneath his feet and a remarkably buxom Sakura clinging to his side, adding her own kicks. Naruto breathed a sigh of relief when he realized that Iruka hadn't noticed his lack of attention.

"…Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke—" Iruka said, reading off the list.

"You mean that asshole is on my team?" Naruto yelled out incredulously. "Why would you put an awesome ninja like me on a team with a loser like him?" He said, pointing dramatically at Sasuke.

Sasuke sat there like a lump and glared at the world like the evil bastard he was…

_Fuck you. _

…and mentally composed bad poetry about ravished souls and the cold, cold nature of the world.

_Fuck you very much._

"Naruto, it's tradition to put the highest and lowest ranking students on the same team," Naruto swelled up with pride… "You are the lowest ranked graduate and Sasuke is the highest." …and deflated like a popped balloon.

"Results must be twisted," Naruto muttered, glaring at the smeared mud picture on his desk. Now it looked like Sakura was some strange sort of snake that was choking Naruto, while Sasuke lay there, totally useless.

"No, Naruto, the results are not twisted. Now will you sit down and let me continue?" Iruka sighed over the class' laughter.

Naruto sat.

"Now, the final member of Team Seven is Hyuuga Hinata. Team Eight will be Aburame Shino, Inuzuka Kiba, and Haruno Sakura. Team Nine will be Nara Shikamaru, Yamanaka Ino, and Akimichi Chouji. That is the last of the teams, good riddance to you all." Iruka wiped the mud off his hand onto the desk. "Wait here until your jounin sensei arrives." He slid the stained sheet of paper back into his pile of notes and left the class.

* * *

Two and a half hours later, Naruto was standing by the window of the classroom, blowing on it and leaving obscene messages on the foggy glass.

Team seven's jounin sensei had neglected to show up. Every other team had had their team leader come within the first fifteen minutes, even team four, who'd had some freak in patent leather show up. A small frown graced Naruto's lips as he hoped that his team leader would be less… unusual. Not that he had a problem with patent leather—

_It's shiny. If it came in orange you'd dress head to toe in neon bondage gear._

--but the studded dog collars and leashes he'd strapped on the terrified new genin had seemed a bit much.

Iruka had come in a half hour after the last team had left (team three, who went with a seven foot tall woman dressed entirely in explosive tags) and frowned for a moment before telling them to be patient. Their sensei, he explained, was probably going to be late.

Now, an hour and fifteen minutes after Iruka had left, Naruto had drawn thirty naked women on the board in a variety of poses—

_For a thirteen year old boy, you show a disturbing level of knowledge of female genitalia._

_What can I say? I'm precocious._

_Precocious perversion shouldn't be a matter of pride for you._

…dusted a thick layer of chalk dust on the teacher's chair, had three arguments with Sasuke, glued a thumb tack to the door handle, and held a four sentence conversation with Hinata.

Naruto added the final stroke in a message involving Sasuke's address and an invitation for a good time and turned back to face the room. "When's that tardy bastard gonna get here? I'm gonna kick his ass!" He yelled.

"Ano… maybe… he's busy?" Hinata whispered, barely loud enough to be heard, before turning red and looking intently at her desk. She hadn't left it since before the teams were announced.

Naruto watched in bemusement as her hands twisted violently under her desk and she flushed bright red under his gaze. She was kinda weird, he decided, rocking back on his heels.

"Too busy for me, the future Hokage?" He proclaimed boldly. "Ha! He's just a bastard! Probably afraid to show his face to a superior ninja." He grinned, imagining a faceless jounin cowering under his foot.

"I'm impressed," a deep voice said from the doorway, startling the genin. None of them had heard him arrive. "By your stupidity."

_If there's one thing I respect the bastard for, it's that phrase. Damn it was funny._

_You respect the bastard?_

_No, I respect the sentence which the bastard happened to say. His saying it was a singular exception to my total and utter hatred of that asshole. _

_Good._

The man slouched into the room, hands tucked into his pockets, his thick grey hair drooping from the weight of rain water. A stray leaf was sticking out of his hair, incongruous with the oppressive aura he gave off. The air seemed to thicken as he entered the classroom, catching in Naruto's throat.

He leaned against Iruka's desk, crumpling a thick pile of essays and dripping a steady stream of water on a pile of marked exams. And then he waited.

A minute later, Naruto caved and asked, "So are you our jounin-sensei?"

The jounin raised a hand, stopping Naruto from asking the other twelve questions that he really wanted to ask. "No." His hand dropped and he continued to wait, watching the new team.

"What are you then? Some kinda freak who's stalking the academy?" Naruto stopped himself and looked at the guy. He was pretty creepy. Just standing there and staring at them… something about the situation tugged at his memory. "You aren't one of those pervs that Iruka-sensei told us about, are you?" he asked slowly, shifting a hand towards his kunai pouch.

He could hear Sasuke and Hinata shuffling restlessly. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Sasuke's hands drift down from in front of his face and settle behind his desk. He could _feel _Sasuke's glare intensify by several degrees.

The strange man seemed startled, and his hand moved from Iruka's marking to rest lightly on his kunai pouch. "I wasn't aware that they taught about that in the academy." His voice warmed a bit.

Fuck, Naruto thought, he's going to pull out a weapon. We need to distract him. "Where else would they teach us?" He tried to color his voice with curiosity, while subtly shifting into a better position to run for the door.

"Ah…" the man's only eye blinked. He seemed genuinely confused by Naruto's question. "I don't know…?" His tone made the statement more a question than an answer, sending off even more alarm bells in Naruto's head.

_Shit, he must be one of the crazies_, Naruto thought. _Damn it, what did Iruka say to do with the crazies? _

"Eh, well, enough talk. We may as well get started." The strange man stood and stretched his arms behind his head.

Naruto, understandably, panicked. He threw the two smoke bombs he had borrowed from the last academy practice and ran for the door, closely followed by Hinata and Sasuke. He heard the door slam closed behind Sasuke, a poor barrier but still better than nothing. Naruto smirked briefly when he heard the pervert grab the door.

"Why the fuck are there thumb tacks?"

On second thought, the door was a pretty good barrier.

"Come on," Naruto yelled to the other two. "Iruka-sensei always stays late in the teacher's lounge. He can take the pervert." The other two nodded in agreement and all three continued their sprint to the ultra top secret teacher's lounge, which was actually labelled as the broiler room. The broiler room was labelled as the teacher's lounge, and held a single ratty couch for authenticity. The janitor was hit by four balloons of glue, a quart of milk and locked in the broiler room for six hours before Naruto figured out where the real teacher's lounge was.

_All at once, or on separate occasions?_

_All at once. It was after I failed the genin exam the first time._

The three genin darted down the hall to the inconspicuous corner that held the teacher's lounge and slammed open the door.

"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto yelled, startling the chuunin.

"There's a pervert!" Sasuke continued, shocked out of apathy by the threat to his ass.

_You're sick._

"He was _watching _us," Hinata said, her blank eyes wide and scared.

"And he's coming after us!" Naruto exclaimed. "You've got to kill him or send him back to the crazy house or _something_." He clutched at Iruka's arm, wrinkling the dark shirt.

"He's coming!" Hinata squeaked, her charka lines bulging around her eyes.

All three children went deathly silent, before scattering into different hiding spots around the room.

Hinata hid in a half empty kitchen cabinet, curled around a stew pot half her size, byakugan watching the pervert walk lazily down the hall.

Sasuke hid under the desk in the back of the room, ready to jump out the window behind the desk if Iruka fell to the ravaging pervert.

Naruto hid behind Iruka.

Iruka settled into a loose taijutsu stance, kunai in hand.

The door creaked open. Naruto whimpered and dove behind the couch.

"Ano… Hatake-san? Iruka sounded confused. The pervert must be using henge to pretend to be someone Iruka-sensei knew, Naruto deduced. But Iruka-sensei was smart. He'd figure it out. Naruto considered telling Iruka about the henge, but remembered that the pervert didn't know that Naruto was there.

_Yes, I'm sure he forgot all about you yelling, "Let's go to the teacher's lounge."_

_Shut up. The story is at the time, and that's what I thought at the time._

Iruka-sensei would be safe anyway, Naruto reasoned. After all, perverts only hurt children and Iruka was an adult. He shivered, remembering 'the talk' when Iruka-sensei explained perverts and how to deal with them. Yeah, Iruka-sensei was the best choice to handle it. He shivered again.

"Yo."

It was the pervert. Naruto started searching for escape routes. If he went for the door, he'd have to pass by the pervert, and the pervert might touch him and cause horrible, horrible mental damage. Naruto dug his nails into the carpet, repressing the memories of Iruka's talk. There had been _details._

He would have to escape through the window.

"Hatake-san… do you know why my students are convinced they are being followed by a pedophile?" Iruka-sensei asked.

Naruto listened intently for the pervert's answer but could only hear a faint rustling of cloth.

"That is not," Iruka said with an air of great authority, "an answer,"

"No, I suppose it wasn't." the pervert was _laughing_. "I can't imagine why they'd think that…"

Iruka sighed before putting the kunai away. "You three may as well come out. Hatake-san is your jounin-sensei."

Fabric rustled from behind the desk, but none of the genin left their hiding spots.

_I so didn't make any noise, you liar!_

_You did too! Sounded like a herd of elephants tickle-torturing a banshee._

_…what is wrong with you? It was so you who made a noise._

"He won't molest you, I promise." Iruka sounded amused. "I doubt he's attracted to anything not made of paper."

That's… pretty freaking kinky, Naruto decided. He wondered, momentarily, if the jounin's fetish was related to the sensei for team three, the one dressed in explosive tags. After a few moments of thought, he decided not to go there.

The mystery pervert sighed dramatically, "I'm wounded to my very core. What a cruel thing to say about my paper darlings! You'd like it if you were to try it, just look at this." He voice went low and lewd towards the end. "What do you think of that?" he murmured, accompanied by the rustle of paper. "Want to try it out? I could show you how." Another rustle of paper. "Ohhhhhh, will you look at that? Perhaps I should pass this team,"

Naruto froze in the midst of leaving his hiding spot. The pervert had slung his arm around Iruka-sensei's shoulder and was showing him something. Their backs were all that he could see, but he could hear the distinct scrape of paper against paper. Iruka shrugged the arm off and shoved the other man away, flushing a brilliant shade of red.

"Right." Iruka began, his voice sharp with anger. "You are a pervert. And a freak of the highest order. If you ever, _ever _show those things to a student or former student of mine, I will ensure that you are stuck with bodyguard duty for Lady Mokoyo for a year. Trust me, I _will _find out." He paused for a moment. "Now, why don't you take the team, introduce yourself and fuck the hell off so I can go home."

"What? Can't take it, _chuunin_?" The pervert's voice oozed superiority.

"I'll see you at the mission desk, Hatake-san." Iruka's voice shifted from pissed to excruciatingly polite in an instant. "Have a good day."

Naruto watched in horror as Iruka left the room without another word. The tension of the room eased as Iruka parted then spiked abruptly as the three genin realized they were alone with a man who liked to have sex with paper.


	2. Chapter 2

I own nothing.

Chapter Two: Introductions

_This is the story of how a complete bastard screwed three people over. Chapter two: In Which We Learn His Name. May he die a painful and humiliating death. _

_Sasuke_

The tacky wallpaper of the teacher's lounge was illuminated ominously by a burst of lightening. Outdated and peeling stripes of faded yellow glowed in the brief flash, the tasteless pattern shimmering eerily in the early afternoon light. A buzzing crackle preceded the death of the lights as the power went out, leaving the room silent as the hum of the cheap fluorescents died. The single window cast only dim light, leaving the corners and edges of the room in thick shadows.

"So." The pervert started, his voice flooding the hushed room like thick, evil syrup. "Why don't you come out of hiding so we can introduce ourselves?"

_OOOOOOO. Evil syrup. Oh no! The syrup is molesting the waffles! Quick, someone get the whipped cream!_

Soft noises came from the kitchenette cupboard and behind the couch, but neither Naruto nor Hinata left their hiding spots. Sasuke considered crawling out from under the desk, but realized that, in the interests of self-preservation, he should wait for someone else to leave hiding first.

"…Sometime today?" His obvious boredom grew, impatience giving it an edge.

Sasuke heard the squealing creak of the cabinet opening, but nothing more. It was surprisingly loud; he didn't remember it being so noisy when she went into it.

"Am I going to have to pull you out from under there?" The pervert asked. Somehow he had made it on top of the desk without Sasuke noticing. He leaned over the edge, looking directly at Sasuke.

Sasuke made a soft noise of surprise—

_Try girlish squeal of terror._

--noting, absently, that the change in gravity had no perceivable effect on the thick grey hair. Three drops of rainwater dripped from the freak to splatter on the coffee-stained industrial issue carpet as Sasuke stared, wide-eyed at the fearful apparition before him. Like some foul demon, a single monstrous hand loomed from the darkness, grasping mindlessly for Sasuke's exposed legs.

"We'll come out!" Naruto squawked, apparently believing the threat was meant for him. He stumbled from his hiding spot, tipping the couch to the ground, his exit lit by a tremendous bolt of lightening.

_Be nice, I saved your ass when I did that._

_Saved it from a paper cut, maybe._

_Precisely._

Sasuke could see the face of perversion twisting to watch the orange clad genin, its angles reduced to impressionistic whites and shadows in the blinding flare of lightening. Then the light died, leaving the teacher's lounge darker than before, even as a resounding peal of thunder shook the ground. When he could see once more, the face was gone. Warily he slid out from under the desk, shunning its inadequate protection. The source of soul-crushing darkness, the earthly embodiment of a paper loving incubus, the cause of the shivering sense of wrongness—

_**Don't you think you're being a little melodramatic? I mean, he was scary, but he wasn't exactly a "source of soul-crushing darkness." More like a source of the feeling you get when you smell something really nasty. **_

_My story. _

_**Fine, be that way.**_

—The pervert had left the desk top, and had settled in the centre of the room, his single eye flickering from one genin to the next, his lack of interest and disappointment evident.

Hinata was still in the cupboard, clutching the stew pot like a shield, one hand holding the edge of the deeply dented lid like a shuriken. She gazed wide-eyed at the jounin, the byakugan long faded. Naruto stood by the door, resting a hand on the doorknob, glaring suspiciously at the old man ninja, restlessly rattling the knob.

Sasuke stood, and settled against the wall beside the window. He slid his fingers under the lip of the frame, prepared to throw the window open and escape should things take a turn for the worse.

The silence stretched long, accentuating the sound each twist of the door knob. The rattling was rhythmic and slow, almost like the sound of a clock, and Sasuke caught himself counting it, _one two, one two._

Who knows how long the quiet standoff would have lasted if Naruto, mortal enemy to silence, hadn't been in the room. As it was, the hush was broken after a minute and a half. "So what didja want old man?" Naruto shouted, proving once again that tact, self-preservation, and voice modulation were skills foreign to him.

"Introduce yourself." The man's voice was ever so slightly amused.

Naruto squinted at the man, mistrust writ large upon his face, asking, in a much quieter tone, "Why don't you go first?"

The one eyed man may have smiled, though it was difficult to tell through the mask. "Very well, I am Hatake Kakashi."

Sasuke waited, somehow expecting more than simply a name. Another bolt of lightening and roll of thunder shook the room, racking up the tension a few more degrees. The air itself was as tight as the pull of a trip wire.

"…and you are?" The grey-haired man asked, making a vague, half-hearted gesture toward the three genin.

He could deal with this, Sasuke decided, give out minimal information to the enemy, every word you say can, and will, be used against you. "Uchiha Sasuke," he said, sliding the window open. He'd introduced himself, task finished, now he was getting the hell out of there.

"Wait for the others," Hatake commanded, without even looking at Sasuke.

"I already know their names." Sasuke answered, trying to open the window more quietly. In what was probably a wise move on the Academy teacher's part, it didn't seem to have been oiled at any point in the previous century.

"Nevertheless," the jounin responded, as if that answered anything.

"Uzumaki Naruto," Naruto told him, talking over the last syllable of nevertheless. He jerked the door knob down and pulled open the door, poised to leave as soon as Hinata introduced herself.

"Hyuuga Hinata," she whispered, sliding out of the cupboard and inching slowly towards the window, leaving her stew pot shield on the floor.

"Okay," the jounin responded, giving a half-hearted shrug.

All three genin slipped out of the room, Hinata pushing Sasuke out the third-story window in her haste.

_**I said I was sorry.**_

_I don't forgive you._

He fell in something less than a controlled freefall, landing on his hands and knees in a mud puddle. Less than a second after he hit the ground a heavy weight rammed into his back, forcing his face into the mud. Hinata's knees slid off his back, grinding her bony kneecaps into his ribs before she sprang to her feet and ran away. Sasuke lay there, trying to keep from drowning in a mud puddle as he caught his breath.

He felt, rather than saw, Hatake jump from the window to land lightly beside him. The pervasive sense of evil grew stronger as he nudged Sasuke in the ribs hard enough to knock to remainder of his breath out. "You alive?" he asked, in a tone that implied complete apathy towards the answer. "Hunt down your teammates and tell them to meet tomorrow at five a.m. by training ground 7." He paused then added, "Don't eat breakfast."

Sasuke growled at the man, but ended up snarling at empty air. The old guy was already walking away, pulling a bright orange book from a pocket. Sasuke's growl turned to a squeak as the man's fingers caressed the paper binding, his index finger trailing up the spine, dipping into well worn curves. The book disappeared to in front of him, but from the angle and position of Hatake's arms and head… he was fairly certain the pervert was smelling the paper. Sasuke shivered, ill at ease to see such an obvious and public display. He knew, suddenly, why the man had ordered them to not eat breakfast.

_Oh god, ick._

Water weighed down Sasuke's hair, plastering it to his skull. He stood, taking it the damage to his clothes and wondered, again, why he'd decided that white was a good color for his shorts. They were the most comfortable thing in his closet, but he had a suspicion that the comfort was more a result of frequent and repetitive bleaching and washing than an inherent quality. The tough canvas had the texture of thick flannel. Thick flannel covered in cold clay now, he reminded himself. It looked like another trip to the laundry mat this evening, if he ever wanted to get the stains out.

_You realize that you and your laundering habits aren't the most intriguing of topics, right? Get on with the story already._

The rain melted the mud off Sasuke's face, sending trails of dirt down the neck of his shirt. The unpleasantness reminded him of Naruto (Naruto and a certain muddy sandal, to be precise). Where, he wondered, would a retarded wannabe ninja run away to? Better yet, where would a retarded wannabe ninja live? If he found where Naruto lived he could leave a note and not have to talk to the moron.

Naruto was an orphan, he knew that much. Naruto had bragged, once, that the Hokage signed his permission slips. Sakura had mocked him and told him the Hokage signed permission slips for all orphans. Sasuke had stayed silent. His permission slips were signed by the Hokage too. However, Naruto's status as an orphan didn't mean finding him would be any easier. Naruto didn't live at the orphanage; it was only about a block away from the Academy and was directly in front of it. Naruto always entered the Academy by the side doors, meaning he probably lived in Southside. Sasuke frowned; Southside was a fairly large place.

"Is he gone?"

Sasuke twitched. It looked like finding Naruto would be significantly less difficult than he'd anticipated. The old adage about speaking the name of the devil seemed distinctly appropriate. The last in class ninja wannabe—

_Are you seriously that pissed off that I insulted your laundry?_

_Of course not. My laundry and I share a special bond; your pitiful insults are nothing to us._

_Great, because I don't think I can apologize to your pants with a straight face._

_You can and you will. I forgave you. The shorts haven't._

--was half hanging out of a window. It looked like he was trying for sneakiness, but a wet orange jumpsuit is rarely sneaky. Sort of like how an air horn is rarely quiet.

"Yeah, he's gone." Sasuke told him, "He said to meet at five at training ground seven."

"When?" Naruto shouted back.

"Five." Sasuke replied slowly, "a.m. At training ground seven." Naruto really wasn't too smart, he mused, before remembering. "Don't eat breakfast." He added.

"What? Why not?" Naruto yelled back.

"Because he said so." Sasuke turned from Naruto and walked away, intent on telling the Hyuuga so he could go home and pre-soak his stains. Clay was a bitch to get out of whites.

* * *

At least he knew where the Hyuugas lived (then again, who didn't?). The massive and ostentatious structure drained entire waterfalls from its gutters. The equally massive and ostentatious walls directed the waterfalls out the gates through overflowing ditches, sliding down the path in a layer thick enough to leak into Sasuke's sandals. He wondered if the Hyuugas had chosen this hill so they could pretend they were better than everyone else by virtue of altitude. 

_**I imagine it was more for the truly excellent drainage. Hyuuga clan grounds have some of the finest gardens in Konoha. They maintain a portion of their fortune by growing flowers for the Yamanaka flower shop during the summer and by making poisons for Mayasuki's. **_

He sloshed up the hill, prepared to face the most arrogant sons of bitches in Konoha. Instead he found a thirteen year old who was attempting to look intimidating. He might have succeeded in the intimidation, if his hair hadn't been so plastered to his skull. As it was, the drowned kitten look really didn't scare Sasuke.

"I need to speak to Hyuuga Hinata," Sasuke said, before kitten boy could open his mouth.

"Can you leave a message?" the Hyuuga responded snidely, obviously giving into to his Hyuuga genes (then again, in that family, the chances of there being genetic material other than Hyuuga was something like one in a thousand).

_**I'd argue, if my father hadn't been planning to marry me to my cousin. As it is, I just thank the gods that my mother wasn't my aunt.**_

Sasuke smiled—

_Seriously, you smiled?_

_I thought about the action of smiling. It's close enough._

-- and prepared to make him suffer. "Why yes, yes I can." He took a second to plan how to annoy the hell out of the pretentious little bastard. "Do you have any paper?"

Kitten boy levelled a glare at Sasuke (an ineffective one, without pupils to focus the gaze, glaring is a lot like squinting your eyes in someone's general direction), and said, "I am capable of remembering the message as you tell it to me."

"That's nice, but I need to be certain that she receives the message in its _entirety_." Sasuke responded, doing his best to show no emotion (especially not the evil glee he was feeling). "So, do you have any paper?"

"No." The Hyuuga thought that would save him, how cute.

Sasuke allowed a trace of an impatient frown and told him, "Well, go get some."

The Hyuuga snarled, "Tell me the message or leave." He was obviously trying for intimidation, but all Sasuke could do was wonder if the inbreeding was why the Hyuuga clan was this brain dead.

"I already told you, the message needs to be relayed in its entirety or not at all." Sasuke repeated. "Now go get some paper."

The Hyuuga gritted his teeth in a fine display of temper and stomped off to the side entrance of the manor. Sasuke smiled evilly and wondered if all Hyuuga left their posts so easily. He was seriously tempted to hide behind the wall or something just to see what the Hyuuga would do when he realized Sasuke was no longer there. Better yet, go into the manor proper and try to find Hinata. Unfortunately, before Sasuke could create mass amounts of trouble for the Hyuuga, the wet kitten boy was stomping his way back to the gate, a stack of paper clutched in one hand, a pen in the other.

Sasuke rocked back a little, putting himself out of reach of the Hyuuga who was trying to shove the paper and pen at him. "So are you ready now?" He asked, a note of censure hidden in his voice. He cleared his throat and began, "Dear Hinata,"

From the way the Hyuuga was holding the pen, Sasuke almost expected it to break. But the kitten boy swallowed his anger and gave a sharp nod, jotting down the note.

"The weather is awful." Sasuke stopped to watch the Hyuuga guard write. "And the guard at your front gate is very rude." The sound of grinding teeth could be heard over the pounding of the rain, but kitten boy kept writing, obviously hoping Sasuke would leave once this was done. Tough luck, Sasuke thought, feeling decidedly close to happy.

"I come with tidings from our mutual leader, Hatake Kakashi." Sasuke waited for the other man to finish writing. "He indicated to me that he wished for me to tell you that tomorrow shall be," He waited again, "the day of our first, auspicious meeting." Sasuke decided that the scratch of pen on steadily dampening paper provided a nice counterpart to the sound of Hyuuga teeth grinding. "The hour in which we must meet, is five in the morning." Sasuke paused so the guard could catch up. "The place is training ground seven." Sasuke wondered if all Hyuuga were this slow at writing.

_**You know, I could take offence at that.**_

_But you won't. Will you?_

_**No, you've repaid me by telling me exactly why cousin Neji was so angry when he gave me your note. I thought he'd been screaming or crying or something from how red his face was.**_

_Give me time._

"Do not eat breakfast. Sincerely," Sasuke waited, watching the Hyuuga. After a few seconds the other boy appeared to figure out he was done and tried to fold up the note in preparation for delivering it. "No no no!" Sasuke scolded him. "Give it here, I have to sign it so she knows it's from me."

If Hyuuga glares were effective like Uchiha glares, rather than the weak and insipid substitutes that they were, Sasuke was certain he'd be shaking. As it was, he was tempted to laugh at the pissed off drowned kitten. He took a look at the letter and almost grinned at the opportunity it provided.

"No, this simply won't do." The aura of rage almost made up for having to touch paper so soon after encountering Hatake. Wet paper. "The penmanship is shoddy at best, and you misspelled auspicious." Actually, he had no clue whether or not auspicious was misspelled. He was banking on the Hyuuga not being able to tell either. "I refuse to put my name on this thing!" Sasuke shoved the paper back at kitten boy. "Do it again and do it properly."

The growl of rage was very nice, and Sasuke almost expected the Hyuuga to throw the paper back at him and tell him to do it himself. But the boy just sat and actually wrote out the entire thing again. It was then that Sasuke realized that his father had been right; inbreeding had caused the already inferior bloodline of the Hyuuga to be plagued by rampant stupidity.

_**While conveniently ignoring that the equally inbred Uchiha clan suffered from insanity, extra fingers and toes, and blindness?**_

_That only happened once._

_So you don't have any mysterious scars on your hands or feet?_

_No comment._

Sasuke waited for the Hyuuga to finish then impatiently grabbed the note. "No, it's still not good enough." He waved it in the Hyuuga's face, asking him, "How can you not spell auspicious correctly?"

Pale Hyuuga skin flushed bright red in fury.

"Give me the paper, I'll do it myself." Sasuke said, cutting off the Hyuuga who was undoubtedly about to suggest the same thing.

Sasuke almost pitied the Hyuuga, the way he was grinding his teeth was sure to give him an awful headache later. He tapped the pen against the paper for a second, considering, then wrote.

Hinata

Hatake says to meet at training ground 7 at 5 a.m. tomorrow. Don't eat breakfast.

Sasuke

He handed the paper to the Hyuuga, "Do keep it dry?" conveniently ignoring that the paper was already damp.

Sasuke left without another word, feeling much better about the day. From behind he heard either a scream of rage or really high pitched thunder. He liked to think it was the scream.


	3. Chapter 3

I have a certain lack of ownership of the intellectual property I am currently using, making my actions technically illegal. Sorry.

Chapter 3: Crushing, Painful Failure

_This is the chapter of the day of our first and greatest disappointment. The day that should have been a simple progression on the path to becoming ninja wasn't. Also known as the day Hatake the Bastard ruined everything. May he die in extreme and unusual pain._

_Hinata_

There is a certain kind of pain that's a good deal worse than other types. It's the kind of pain that makes you wish you were dead so that it'll stop. It's the kind of pain that leaves you defenceless in its wake. It makes you helpless and hopeless and pathetic. The worst thing about this kind of pain, though, is that it leaves no sign. There is no evidence to show people that you are suffering, that this is a bad time, that you can't even muster the energy to move because it hurts so badly. But even if the people around you did know how much you were hurting, they wouldn't care. They wouldn't give a damn because you aren't worth anything to them. Every sufferer of this kind of pain instinctively knows this.

Someone in that kind of pain can do crazy things.

This is not to say that Hinata was in that kind of pain. She wasn't. She didn't do crazy things, though sometimes she thought about it. She tried hard to please her family, tried hard to be someone worth noticing, tried hard to do all sorts of things. And when she inevitably failed, well, she tried hard to take consolation in the fact that she'd tried hard.

All these things set aside, some days it just didn't seem worth the effort to roll out of bed. The morning of June 6th, however, was not one of those days for Hinata. The morning of June 6th was going to be a good morning, it was going to be the morning she finally proved to her family that she too could be a ninja, that she could (one day) be the leader of the clan. And she would do all of those things after she got out of bed. Any second now, she was going to wake up and take on the world.

Just perhaps not this second. Maybe at some point in the seconds to come a rush of vital energy would rejuvenate her and allow her to waken, ready to fulfill every dream she'd ever had. Hinata wondered, half-asleep, what dreams come true felt like. Were they like chocolate? She'd had chocolate once. She was pretty sure it'd been the best thing she'd ever tasted. She hadn't been allowed much of it, as it was a very expensive import from the South Islands. Hinata drooled on her pillow. Then her alarm went off.

Hinata sat up, wiping her face. She turned off the alarm with a delicate touch. Throwing the damned thing against the wall was inappropriate behaviour. She took a moment to appreciate the silence of way-too-damn-early. It was nice. Peaceful even. Outside, it was still raining. Hinata fixed a pleasant expression on her face, because in the Hyuuga household you never knew if someone was watching, and then got dressed. She slid on flexible sandals, first the left one, then the right. She straightened out the room, ensuring there was little, if any, evidence of her existence in it. Now it was nice and clean.

Hinata surveyed the room, tugged on the sheet to remove a wrinkle, and pulled out a black umbrella from the oak chest filled with her possessions. Then she left.

* * *

Training ground seven was an empty waterlogged field next to a stream. The stream was working its way up to—

_A raging inferno of water!_

--being a river. Actually, it was lapping at the bottom of the red bridge that crossed it, creating a hollow thumping sound that echoed ominously through the predawn air. The field was a grassy swamp, the long bladed grass floating in an inch of water which was draining steadily towards the stream. The rain splashed as it hit the ground.

Hinata wondered why she'd bothered with the umbrella; she was soaked to the knees and damp everywhere else. Then she saw her new teammates and felt significantly better about bringing an umbrella. They were both doing their best impressions of drowned rats, their normally wild hair plastered against their skulls in unflattering helmets. They were sitting on opposite railings on the bridge, it being the highest ground available in the clearing.

Hinata walked over, intending to join them, before realizing that sitting next to either of them would be awkward. So she stood on the edge of the bridge, as far from both of them as she could, and resolutely avoided eye contact. Not for the first time, she was grateful for the Hyuuga eyes. They made it damn hard for people to tell if you were making eye contact, even though you almost always were.

Thirty minutes later, Naruto squawked and fell off his rail, pointing at Hinata. "Who are you?!" He stumbled to his feet and asked, "When did you get here?!"

Hinata stared at him, wondering if this was some sort of test. What was the right answer? Would he get mad if she told the truth?

"She got here_ ages _ago," Sasuke sneered. Hinata felt bad that no one had ever told him how stupid he looked when he sneered. He looked sort of constipated.

_Fuck you._

Probably one of those things that family was supposed to teach you, Hinata thought, pitying the poor orphan boy.

_Die._

It was only to be expected that he'd grown up to be a manner-less freak.

_Sleep with one eye open. It'll be the eye I put a fork through._

"But who— Ah, hi Hinata," Naruto recovered nicely, obviously looking at her. "Do you know where the perversion of nature is?" He raised his voice at the end of the question until he was almost shouting.

"Why are you shouting?" Sasuke asked him, looking at him disdainfully.

"Because the last time I insulted him he appeared out of nowhere to defend himself." Naruto explained, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Duh." He added, rolling his eyes at Sasuke.

"He didn't appear out of nowhere, he came in through the door." Sasuke corrected him. "Though I suppose that you might not have noticed his incredibly obvious entrance, seeing as you are, in fact, a total failure."

Hinata noted, somewhere in the back of her mind, that Sasuke became much more verbose when he had someone to insult. Practically a chatterbox, even.

"I totally noticed!" Naruto defended himself vehemently. "I was exaggerating to make a point." He finished with a pout.

"Riiiiiight." Sasuke drawled, "Just like you noticed Hinata?"

"It's dark!" Naruto said. "The rain is loud! Unlike you, I wasn't facing her!"

Hinata hummed softly and wondered why the scary man who was to be their sensei (a fact she was carefully suppressing in the back of her mind) was late. Perhaps he had a mission of vital importance. Then she realised that no sane person would give him a mission of vital importance. Which, now that she thought about it, didn't bode well for the future of their team.

She was surprised; she would have thought that the Uchiha heir, at least, would have been put on a team that had potential. Hinata was only the de facto clan heir of the Hyuuga, her position dangling on a thread finer than trip wire, so she wasn't too surprised about being relegated to be trained by an obvious mess of a human being. But she'd have thought that Sasuke would have been put under someone competent. Nobody seemed to like Naruto, so his being on this team wasn't too unexpected (disappointing, yes, unexpected, no). Hinata had kind of hoped that Naruto would be given a chance for once.

_We could've been an awesome team. We weren't, but that doesn't mean that we couldn't have been._

Both the boys settled down, scowling. Naruto over losing the argument—

_I didn't lose!_

--Sasuke over some obscure reason that doubtless made sense to him.

_It was raining. I wasn't about to show my joy through interpretive dance._

The rain fell unabated.

Later the sky turned slate grey rather than pitch-black. The sun had risen. Its rays didn't pass the clouds, but the world had lightened nevertheless. Now, at least, Hinata could see color.

Hinata shuffled back a few steps to keep her feet out of the water. It was several inches higher than it had been when she had arrived. It was slightly worrying. The grass lay flat, blanketing the surface of the field in verdant shades of green.

Waiting was an awful activity, she decided. There was nothing to do but stand there and listen to the rain splash on her umbrella. And watch the two boys eyeball her umbrella with jealousy. She knew she should offer to share. But the offering would be awkward and embarrassing; she wouldn't know what to say. So she watched the water rise instead.

It was a long time later when Hatake arrived. A very long time. Five hours and thirty two minutes after he'd told them to meet; he appeared out of a suspiciously solid cloud of fog, his umbrella cradled in the crook of his arm to leave his hands free for his book. The rain hadn't stopped or slowed, the clouds hadn't lightened or moved, and the light hadn't strengthened or changed, but Hinata knew precisely how long she had been waiting. She knew this through the use of a watch, a device obviously unknown to the filthy pervert in front of her.

Hinata expected Naruto to yell at Hatake, but apparently five and a half hours in the rain was enough to drown even his spirit. He looked decidedly soggy. However, this left all three in a bit of a quandary. If Naruto didn't yell, conversation wouldn't start. Sasuke wouldn't say anything, Hinata didn't know what to say, and Hatake was serenely reading his book. Without Naruto—

_--The world would fall apart, the oceans would boil, rivers of blood would spawn plagues of blood frogs, the sun would turn to ICE!!!!_

--No one would start talking. This, Hinata decided, was unfortunate. The longer they stood there, well… the longer they stood there. It was cool, wet, and her feet hurt. She should say something. But what? Maybe a query of some sort… Hmmm.

"Well?" Sasuke glared through his dripping fringe of hair with all the force his beady little Uchiha eyes could muster.

_While you sat there and twiddled your thumbs and hoped someone else would do something? _

_**It's not the person who attracts the attention of the pervert who wins; it's the people who don't.**_

"I should send you back to the Academy right now." Hatake said his voice bland and emotionless. "Actually, I may do so." He sighed, as if this were a trial on him and not on them.

"What are you talking about? We're genin! You can't send us back to the Academy!" Naruto's voice cracked; five and a half hours in the rain had left his voice strained. It probably wasn't used to the lack of exercise.

Hinata shivered. She knew better. They could be sent back to the Academy right now. They could even be banned from becoming ninja. Her father had explained it all in excruciating detail before he had calmly told her the consequences of each result. The consequences were not ones that she wanted to endure.

"Yes. I can." He responded, his single squinty eye glaring at them with the force of… something forceful.

_Your word use impresses me so._

"You stood outside waiting for what, three hours?" He was terribly cool, showing less emotion than the rain.

Five hours, Hinata retorted defiantly in the safety of her own mind. Five and a half hours.

"Why?" Hatake turned the page. "It's raining. As far as I know, it's been raining all day. Why didn't you go home?"

"Because you told me not to." Sasuke answered, as if the answer was obvious. He flicked back a strand of wet black hair and glared at Hatake.

"Are you really that stupid? You stayed out in the rain for three hours when you could have left? In the absence of a superior officer you should have gone to the Hokage tower and reported said absence." He looked up from his book and asked, "As far as you knew, I'd gone missing. Why didn't you seek help?"

"You know what? You're right! We should have left instead of waiting for your lazy ass!" Naruto snarled. Hinata noted that rain seemed to make Naruto somewhat irritable. He looked rather miserable. "Useless mother fucking son of a bitch." Naruto snuffled wetly, robbing the moment of its drama. He wiped his nose with his soaking wet sleeve, which probably didn't help much. Hinata fumbled with her pocket, pulling out a handkerchief, then stuffed it back into the pocket. She'd offer it to Naruto when Hatake was glaring a little less.

"You really are a stupid little shit, aren't you?" Hatake asked, most likely rhetorically. He snapped the book shut and slid it into his kunai pouch, giving it an affectionate pat. "Okay. I'm not allowed to fail you without testing you or something." He shrugged like he couldn't imagine why there was such a rule. "So, despite the fact that you are obviously dumber than that slug I stepped on earlier, this is your chance to prove that you are capable of joining the ranks of Konoha ninja."

Hinata shuffled nervously. What did he mean? Did he want some kind of report on their skills? Maybe he wanted them to fight each other? Stupid man! Why couldn't he be clearer? How was she supposed to know what to do without orders?

Hatake sighed. "Last chance, if you have anything that will convince me to take you on as students, now is the time to pull it out of your ass." He waited several seconds, watching them stand there. "So, nothing from you, you useless little bastards?" A few more seconds passed.

Hinata felt the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that she associated with impending failure. This test, it was just like every other test put before her. They never told her the rules; she never knew the conditions for victory, she could only fail again and again. She wanted to scream at the bastard and tell him to take his dumb book and _go away_. She didn't want to do this again, she didn't want to have to stand there and wonder why this asshole doing this to her. There's no way to win and it was so damn unfair. There was only one way to go from here. She made her face as expressionless as possible and hoped it would work. They can make you fail, but you can deny them the satisfaction of it mattering.

"What do you want me to do?" Sasuke asked, shifting restlessly, causing an odd squelching noise that Hinata belatedly identified as his clothes. They were not as ninja silent as usual once they reached their saturation point.

"Show me a reason to teach you." Hatake told him, tilting his umbrella back to get a better look at Sasuke.

"Like what?!" Naruto exclaimed in frustration, his voice doing odd things—

"_Odd things" makes me imagine Naruto's voice getting into a committed relationship with a paper crane or something. Be more descriptive._

_**I didn't critique your writing style, so don't you dare bother me about mine, Mr. I-use-romance-novels-as-a-writing-guide!**_

_It's better than Miss. I-like-to-stew-in-my-own-angst!_

_**Of the two of us, I am not the one who has brooding issues.**_

_Sasuke, shut up and let her get back to writing about me._

_Narcissist._

--that made Hinata wonder if he was coming down with a cold or something. He certainly didn't sound very good. He growled (causing a nasty gurgling noise to burble from the back of his throat). "Throw out a damn suggestion! It's not like I can do things if I don't know what things to do!"

"Surprise me." Hatake said, waving a hand dismissively. It was clear that he expected nothing from them. He probably wasn't wrong in that assessment, Hinata mused grimly.

Naruto charged. Hinata caught the movement from the corner of her eye, a flash of dark orange running towards Hatake. Well, perhaps not a flash. Naruto wasn't exactly making good time. He sank ankle deep into the water and splashed it everywhere. Three steps in, still at least two meters away from Hatake; Naruto tripped on nothing and fell face first into the rainwater swamp. The soaking wet blond struggled up, his arms trapped in some strange way by the grass. He had a very strange expression on his face. Hinata could only catch a glimpse of it from this angle, but it looked like—

"SNIZLEPH-SNOK!" Naruto sneezed.

Hinata blinked. Naruto discreetly tried to wipe the thick ropes of snot off his face, but, well… there really wasn't a discrete way to do that.

_I take it back, make her stop writing about me._

"You are..." Hatake seemed at a loss for words. "Pathetic. I've never seen… Useless." Hinata assumed they were missing some words there, as it didn't quite make sense otherwise. Hatake looked pretty choked up. Presumably from laughter, but one could never tell. "They actually let you pass?"

"Hey, I'm going to be Hokage!" Naruto shouted back, waving his hands wildly to prove his point. He looked offended.

Hinata watched in awe. She could hear barely muffled snickers from Sasuke (who wasn't nearly as stoic as he liked people to think) and Hatake sounded like he was choking, but Naruto just sat there like he didn't know that they were laughing at him. What was it like, she wondered, to have such faith in yourself? He was sincere as a conman, sitting soaked to the skin in a jester's costume, vividly green mucus striped cross his face, and he had the confidence of a king. Hinata could see no doubt in his eyes, only determination. How could anyone be so disconnected from the rest of humanity?

_I'm glad to know you think so well of me._

_**I got over it.**_

"They must have started sending me the losers." Hatake chuckled, as if inviting them to share the joke. Oddly enough, no one else was laughing. "You all fail. Go home and do whatever non-ninja people do with their time. Don't bother returning to the Academy." He waved absently and walked into the suddenly thick mist at his back, his feet barely skimming the top of the ankle deep swamp.

Hinata watched the other two — children, she supposed, as they certainly weren't genin anymore — paled to greyish tones under the dim lights. Eleven o'clock, June 6th, she watched as her dreams cracked, broke, and fell into pretty, useless pieces. She wondered if she should have said something.


End file.
